Do Happy Couples Cheat?

How to talk openly about infidelity before it happens.

How do you define cheating in your relationship? Is it exclusively about sex, or would a secretive emotional connection also count? What about flirting, texting, or porn? If your partner strayed once, would you want to know? If you were the one who slipped, would you tell them?

We think of infidelity as the cardinal sin of marriage, of all relationships for that matter. The very existence of the newish term ethical non-monogamy speaks to what most of us implicitly believe: that other kinds of non-monogamy are inherently unethical. We forgive any number of mistakes in our intimate relationships, including repeatedly hurting each other’s feelings through insensitivity, selfishness, or neglect. But we often draw a bright line at infidelity — the ultimate betrayal that many of us think we could never get over.

This makes sense when you consider how we tend to view marriage. It’s no longer a practical arrangement to survive, procreate, or even to live an easier or more comfortable life, since today we happily don’t need a partner for any of those things. Instead, marriage is often about finding our soulmate, or at least our favorite person, someone who will not only make our lives infinitely better and richer, but also help us grow and become who we want to be. To say we have high expectations is a charming understatement.

When we finally find someone with whom we want to spend our lives, the feeling can be wonderfully intoxicating — we feel unique, wanted, chosen.

Building a life together with mortgages and children and negotiated family holidays can feel routine rather than romantic, but it nevertheless reinforces our special bond in this one precious life. Infidelity smashes both of those dreams into a million little pieces. Where once we thought we were special and irreplaceable, infidelity makes us feel discarded, taken for granted, replaceable. Where once we felt safe and trusting, we suddenly find that we have no solid ground to stand on. 

Infidelity can mess with our sense of reality and our ability to trust our own judgment and instincts. When it comes as a total surprise, it’s only natural to wonder what else we’ve been wrong about. We all have certain ways that we protect ourselves from harm, walls we build over time and that we slowly and methodically let down as we begin to feel safe with another person. In a healthy long-term relationship we often let our guards down pretty completely, allowing ourselves to fully trust our partners. To be so betrayed by the person we least expected to can be crazy-making.

Couples therapist Esther Perel has researched and written extensively about infidelity, which is one of the most common reasons couples seek her help — whether you think of cheating as the cause or merely the symptom of some other underlying issue. Her work suggests that infidelity is very common, perhaps even more so than we think. 

Whereas divorce was once considered shameful, today society is more likely to judge and shame someone for staying with a partner who cheats, so many people don’t talk about it.

Esther maintains that both men and women cheat, even if men are more likely to boast while women minimize, each playing to society’s expectations. And that even couples who have relationships that allow for multiple sexual partners cheat on each other, suggesting it’s not just about sexual variety. But the point that most intrigues her is why even relatively happy couples sometimes cheat, all the while claiming to be quite in love. She posits that infidelity can be an attempt to reconnect with a part of themselves that’s been lost or left behind, to feel alive again.

The thesis of her book The State of Affairs is that infidelity doesn’t need to be the end of a relationship. By blowing the whole thing up, affairs can sometimes open the door to a deeper, more honest conversation between two people than they’ve been willing to have before. Infidelity might destroy the marriage that once was, Esther says, but it can be the beginning of a new relationship between the same two people.

To be very clear: it wouldn’t be fair to call Esther pro-affair. “I would no more recommend you to have an affair than I would recommend you to have cancer. And yet we know that people who have been ill often talk about how their illnesses yielded them a new perspective.” This makes perfect sense to me, and I find myself wondering:

What can we learn from the insights, truths, and transformative conversations that affairs elicit, that can help us deepen our own relationships today, before infidelity happens?

I believe the answer begins with openness and vulnerability — with making space in our relationships for the conversations we’re not having. We need to get over our fear of saying the wrong thing, and trust that good intentions and genuine curiosity will lead us down the right path. 

It’s never too early or too late to have these conversations, although the discussion will look different if you’ve been dating for six months or married for ten years. But the heart of the dialogue is the same — it’s about seeking to learn and understand more about ourselves and our partners, about our fears, our desires, and our expectations. It’s about replacing assumptions with questions, acknowledging that infidelity is extremely common, and that we can’t avoid it by not talking about it.

But where do you start? What do you actually talk about? I’ve shared a little discussion guide below to help you get started. Send this post to your partner and say ‘Hey, I doubt we’ll ever have to deal with anything like this, but I love you and I want us to be prepared to handle whatever comes our way. Would you be open to chatting through the questions below?’ Pop open a bottle of wine, get cozy, and get talking. 

I realize not everyone is comfortable broaching these conversations on their own. Some of us want a little more guidance, hand-holding, or an external facilitator so that we can just be a participant in our discussions. I often feel that way myself, which is part of the vision behind Couples Coaching; couples go through every module in the One Two curriculum at their own pace, including intentional conversations around trust and boundaries. Our expert coaches help couples navigate these essential yet tricky waters. If you’re curious about Couples Coaching, send me a note.